Top 5: Masturbation Songs

     Coming up with ideas for this Top 5 thing isn’t easy.  I’m always trying to keep things fun and interesting, but lots of times I get in a rut and the whole thing becomes a little dull and obvious.  There are only so many times you can list the Top 5 Monkey Songs.  I had my IPod on shuffle the other day when Green Day’s “Longview” came on and it sparked an idea that put a smile on my face.  If you’re the sensitive type, easily offended or just plain prude this probably isn’t the list for you.  Today I’m doing the Top 5 Songs About Masturbation.  To qualify the whole song had to be about masturbation or reasonably interpreted as such, not just have a line or two mentioning it, which means songs like Billy Joel’s “Captain Jack” or Prince’s “Darling Nikki” or Peter Gabriel’s “Shock The Monkey” doesn’t count.  These five do…

5. “Longview” – Green Day

            It was ultimately “Basket Case” that turned me into a huge fan, but this was the first song I ever heard by Green Day and was also my introduction to punk.  It took me a while to realize what they were talking about.  I was young and impressionable and couldn’t really conceive of a band writing a whole song about beating off, but here it is.  Unlike other songs on this list, “Longview” doesn’t really celebrate the act as much as wallow in the boredom and guilt that seems to come with it

4. “She Bop” – Cyndi Lauper

            This is probably the most upbeat masturbation song.  I had no idea what it was about.  I’m not sure I even knew what the lyrics were; I just remember a bunch of nonsense words.  My parents had no problem with my sister and me listening to it, so how could it be about anything naughty?  Come to find out years later, its Cyndi’s ode to masturbation.  Who knew such a bouncy happy pop song could be about such a dirty act?

3.  “Dancing With Myself” – Billy Idol

            I’m not sure that it has ever been confirmed that this song is about Billy pulling on his wang, but is there really any doubt.  Again, as a child it’s a pretty innocuous song about wanting to dance so badly you’re willing to do it by yourself, but once you grow a little older and wiser it seems pretty obvious Billy had other things in mind.  Either way, it’s a classic.

2.“Epic” – Faith No More

            I had no idea this was a song about masturbation until very recently.  In all honesty, I never thought much about it.  It’s a good song that I enjoyed listening to or playing on Rock Band, but I wasn’t concerned with its meaning.  I remember there being money thrown about in the video and just assumed it was about greed.  Then I read somewhere that Mike Patton said it was about a guy beating off to porn.  The lyric “it’s in your face but you can’t grab it,” is about wanting to have sex with the porn star but not being able to.  My mind was blown and I can’t listen to the song the same anymore.

1.  “Touch Myself” – Divinyls

            There was never any doubt what this song was about, it’s in the title and it’s not some euphemism or disguised statement.  It was weird to have a song that was so blatantly sexual be as popular and mainstream as this was when it came out.  Prince or George Michael or 2 Live Crew got blasted for their sexual songs and you never heard them much on the radio, maybe you caught a video later at night on MTV but that was it.  The Divinyls, on the other hand, were everywhere singing about masturbating to thoughts of their boyfriend and nobody seemed to care.  I’m still not sure why, but my memories are fond enough that it’s number one on my list.

Honorable Mentions: “My Ding-a-ling”: Chuck Berry, “Turning Japanese”: The Vapors