Girl Troubles: 100%

            As I’ve pointed out before, I need 100% percent certainty before I can make anything happen in my love life.  I need 100% certainty that the girl will say yes before I can ask her out.  I need 100% certainty that she wants to have sex with me before I can push things physically.  I need 100% certainty that we are meant to be before I can drop down on one knee.  I’ve built up some courage over the years and done things with 95% certainty and on one or two occasions maybe even dropped down to 80%, but it took lots of time and great deals of mental anguish or copious amounts of alcohol to reach that point.  It troubles me to think of the relationships I have missed out on because of this.  It also makes me extremely thankful for the ones I’ve had since they could have so easily never happened.  I very nearly missed what could easily be considered the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had because 98% certainty wouldn’t cut it.

            When I went off to attend a private school that was located in another town then the one I grew up in I was left with only two friends from home, we’ll call them Tom and Gary.  Tom and Gary were both two years older than me and both were deeply entrenched in the high school band culture.  As they entered their senior year, Gary, as he was wont to do, became obsessed with a freshman member of the band, we’ll call her Sara, who didn’t really return the feelings.  Gary was a really sweet guy and not easy to turn down, so even though Sara had no desire to have a romantic relationship with him, they became really good friends.  A clique of six formed in the band consisting of Gary, Sara and four other friends, and they started doing a ton of stuff together.  Gary continued to try to make something more happen with Sara but she was having none of it.

            The whole time this was happening I was off on the side, doing my private school thing, not living a very exciting existence.  Tom, Gary and I would hang out on the occasional weekend and I would get all the stories of Sara.  I would have to hear story after story of hope where there was so obviously none.  I didn’t even know the girl but it was obvious that Gary was barking up the wrong tree and I would just sit there and listen and try to steer my good friend away from heartbreak.  Every time she turned him down he would go into a funk, claim to be over her and then try something else a few weeks later.  I would seemingly throw out the same advice over and over again and then the cycle would start over.

            Gary’s two worlds, the band group and me, finally collided at a graduation party the group decided to throw for Gary and Tom.  You may not have seen this coming, but Sara and I hit it off like gang busters.  I mean, this girl was undeniable cute, full of personality and we had instant chemistry with each other.  She was all over me all night and I enjoyed the hell out it.  And it wasn’t just Sara, I immediately got along with everyone and was suddenly invited to all their summer endeavors.  Gary didn’t seem to be very pleased with this development and did his best to discourage me from hanging out with the group.  At the time I figured he didn’t want to mix the two worlds he had created for himself, that he didn’t want to share us with each other.

          My whole high school social life consisted of a group of people who hung out with each other to fulfill ulterior romantic motives.  Most of the motives don’t play any role in this story, but it’s safe to say everyone in the group had a reason to be there other then being with close friends.  I’m not sure if this was a common high school experience or not, but it was certainly mine.  One of the other girls in the group, we’ll call her Betty, became a close friend and I ended up spending numerous hours talking with her on the phone.  Like I’ve said before, I’ve never had a hard time striking up relationships with girls I had no attraction to.  I’ve called as many girls best friends as I have guys.  Betty became one of the closest plutonic female relationships I’ve ever had.  At the time we started talking she had a huge thing for another member of the group, we’ll call him Steve.  Much like Gary and Sara, Steve did not return Betty’s feelings and I once again had to listen to story after story of hope and disappointment.  I’ve never had anyone tell me that I’m not a good listener.

             As the summer neared its end, I started to panic.  I was infatuated with Sara but there were two major problems: one, I didn’t want to ruin all the fun I was having by saying something to Sara and getting turned down, and two, I didn’t want to forever trash my friendship with Gary.  But at the same time I couldn’t help but think of Lisa, how I never said anything to her and was still left with regret.  I imagined the summer coming to an end and I would go back to my private school, never seeing Sara again, wondering what could have been if I opened my mouth.  I started to steel myself up to actually do something about the emotions that were building up inside and the first step was to clear things with Gary.

             I still remember this conversation clearly even though it happened 20 years ago.  We were at his house playing basketball when I opened up to him what had been going through my head all summer long.  I told him that I was feeling like there was something building between me and Sara, that she seemed to be acting in ways that suggested she was into me, that I was thinking of asking her out, but didn’t want to do it if it was going to hurt our relationship.  All Gary had to do was say that he didn’t want me to ask her and I never would have, but instead Gary acted totally cavalier about the whole thing.  He said he had no problems if that was what I wanted to do, but he knew Sara and what I thought was her giving me signals was Sara being Sara, she did that with everybody and I shouldn’t get too excited.  That was all the doubt I needed.  My friendship with Gary might not have been in jeopardy, but I wasn’t going to say a word to Sara if rejection was a strong possibility.

             I’m not sure of the exact time frame of events, it all happened a while ago, but it couldn’t have been more then a few weeks later that the group, minus Gary, went out bowling.  Things were moving along in their typical fashion, good times, big laughs, me kicking everyone’s ass bowling when Betty suddenly grabbed hold of me and pulled me aside.

            “Do you like Sara,” she asked bluntly.

            “Why,” was my somewhat confused response.

            “Because she likes you, but I think Steve is going to ask her out.  So if you like her will you please say something before Steve does?”

            I was shocked and then giddy and then excited that I was going to end the night with my first girlfriend.  But in typical bumbling fool fashion, I crashed my Mom’s car before the night came to a close.  I hit the gas instead of the break (I was 15 and had only been driving for a couple months, give me a break) and drove the front end of the car into the loading plate of a parked moving truck.  There wasn’t much damage other then a good size square hole in the front of the car, but it was enough to prevent me from saying anything to Sara.  I was too busy coming up with a story to tell my mom.  On the way home, I bumped into Gary, who had just gotten back from whatever he had going on that night, and I filled him in on what had happened.  His response… obviously Betty was just saying that to get me to do something because she didn’t want Steve to end up with anyone but her.

            Again, I’m not sure of the exact time line, but I think it was a few days later that I called Sara and asked her out.  She said yes.  I wish I could tell you exactly what gave me the confidence to finally say something to Sara.  I’m pretty sure the fear of a Lisa: Part Two played a role.  But I think when push came to shove, I just trusted Betty more.  What she was saying made more sense and fit what I was seeing and feeling then Gary's take.  I know if Betty had never pulled me aside I probably wouldn’t have ever dated Sara.  Betty gave me the 100% certainty I needed.  I get that it was done for her own selfish reasons, but she’s responsible for the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I’ll never forget her for it.  My friendship with Gary was never the same even though we stayed pretty close for three or four more years.  I take the blame for that even though he only had to say the word and there never would have been a me and Sara.  I get how dating her was a violation of our trust and friendship.  Sara later told me that he knew from day one that she had a thing for me; she told him herself.  I think that fact may have hurt me the most.